The Family Christmas Tree

                              The Family Christmas Tree

                          

                                Tinsel                                                           No Tinsel




I titled this blog, The Family Christmas Tree because that was the first and biggest hurdle, we had to handle during our first year of marriage. Harper and Olsen comment about how "marrying into a family with different values can be a challenge." Boy, oh boy, they are not kidding! My husband grew up with a huge tree, tinsel to cover the whole tree in which you couldn't even recognize the ornaments and so many presents, one would think everyone in the town was getting one.

 I, on the other hand, grew up with a smaller tree which was sometimes flocked a different color because I had an amazing fun grandmother. We always gathered at her house Christmas Eve and several days a week. We opened all family presents Christmas Eve while enjoying homemade candies, pies and listening to Andy Williams Christmas music. My husband's family opened one present on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning was digging through a pile of wrapping paper which included wrapped toothbrushes and underwear.

I shouldn't say our first Christmas because it was small, and I loved it. I gave him a razor and he gave me silverware. The ones that followed, however, were tense. He covered the tree with tinsel and I would remove it. He used garland and I would take it off and wrap it around a pole outside. You get the picture. For the past 30 years, our tree has had our children's homemade ornaments on it along with some that survived our moving around. We are less and less enthused about even putting it up. In fact, this year, it is outside by the front door covered with lovely white lights but without any ornaments. I will probably add some ornaments this week, and just a little tinsel. Merry Christmas Everyone!


* Harper, J. M. &Olsen, S.F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families."
              In C.H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton &D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Ch. 37.
*https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=images+of+garish+christmas+trees+covered+in+tinsel: Retrieved
             Dec. 09, 2018.
 *https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=image+of+nice+christmas+tree&fr=mcafee&imgurl=
              http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com: Retrieved Dec. 09, 2018

Out of the House! Make it a good thing.

Bye Bye, please come back for a visit.

I must admit, I was a control freak, but when it came time for my children to go, I was ready!

I taught them all about the gospel I could. We held Family Home Evenings, read the scriptures, had strict home hours and my husband and I went to all of their sports, music, and extracurriculars. We taught them to be responsible by having chores and getting jobs and held "video gaming" to a minimum.

About 10 years ago, I heard a new age had started where college kids were returning home, and "finding themselves." We asked our children what they thought would happen if they would have done it? Our two older children replied, "we would have had to find ourselves working at Del Taco." Del Taco is a fast food place close by in many neighborhoods in Southern California.

Reading this part of President Kimball's conference talk really helps me understand the "out on your own" concept. 


"Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it "(Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5)

When my husband and I raised our children, we thought it was an honor to us to be able to watch them make decisions on their own as they grew and progressed. When they had questions or doubts we would help them weigh the pros and cons, but we told them "you must choose." It has been so fun to observe.
I often think of my Heavenly parents and how they must have cried over several of my decisions, and at the same time cheered me on during my righteous ones.

I seriously don't know what the difference is today from 30 years ago, except, coming back home was not an option, and no one wanted to go back home in the first place. Being out on your own meant you were a grown-up, and it didn't matter if you ate mac and cheese and slept on the floor in a sleeping bag, you were on your own (married or not) and you (I) loved it!

Sex, Divine and Holy.

   

Family 300 Class

Sex: Divine and Holy.

     “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

- President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

       Being taught about, extramarital affairs, I have always thought, "Christ sees all that I do, so I need to be careful of what I do." That thought process was my main thinking, but as I have grown in the gospel and have attended and worked in the temple, I couldn't even consider such negative occurrences. I am being self-righteous thinking this way because anyone can be tempted and Satan knows my weaknesses better than I do. That is why my husband and myself never go anywhere where we would be alone with the opposite sex. That might irk the "feminists", but I certainly don't care. 

      President Kimball was The Prophet while I was in my teenage years along with my first several years of being married, and he taught the importance of being with your husband above anyone else. I personally know several women who have divorced who weekly got together for "ladies night" and other activities such as group "facebook" pages that teeter toward gossiping and negative influences. I'm not saying getting together is bad, but when your "away" more than home, "you're not watering your grass on your side of the fence." 

That is what this class has been about. How to water your own grass!

https://andthenwesaved.com/the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence/ 

Anger Management Part 2

                                                             

       "PRAY UNTO THE FATHER WITH ALL THE ENERGY OF HEART,
                      THAT YE MAY BE FILLED WITH THIS LOVE"
                                                     MORONI 7: 48

In this week's lesson, I learned much about "charity." I tend to think I give charity when I volunteer at my local food pantry or take a meal or give money to someone on the street corner. This week taught me a new perspective; to give charity by not showing "anger." I labeled this blog "Anger Management Part 2 because the last blog spoke about seeing through my spouse's perspective and helping him in his "irks." However, this blog concentrates on "Christs" love.

I love the dimensions of Jesus Christ's Charity that H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. speaks about.

"The phrase 'love of Christ' might have a meaning in three dimensions: Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ." 

If Jesus Christ can love me and others even when I/we sin on purpose, then I can love even when my spouse may make me angry. Wait a minute! Make me angry? haven't I learned I choose my response? That is what this class has been all about.

"Charity is the culminating gift of our spiritual seeking"(123)

In creating my own (new) story I want to incorporate these three dimensions:

1.Love for Christ: Because of Jesus Christ's Eternal Atonement I can only Love Him, therefore, I can choose to only see the good in my husband.

2. Love from Christ: Jesus Christ loves me with all my faults and prideful indignation: I can/do love my husband knowing he is trying hard to ignore my imperfections like I'm trying to ignore his. In fact, becoming blind to them.

3. Love like Christ: Jesus Christ loves unconditionally knowing my faults but seeing me as A Child of God while I am struggling and stumbling to be His disciple. Jesus Christ not only constantly forgives me, but constantly sees me as He Atoned for me.

 I can love my husband seeing him as Christ sees him.

* H. Wallace Goddard Ph.D. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Utah: Joymap (2009), 116.

*  H. Wallace Goddard Ph.D. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Utah: Joymap (2009), 123.

Anger management

       This week I not only learned about "Anger Management," but how I can choose not to have it at all. We have all heard "The devil made me do it," or it was his/her fault. Anger is a choice. Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints stipulates "A cunning part of his strategy (Satan"s) is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!
        When we marry, this is the most important relationship we will have, not only on this earth but in the Eternities. I think most people have a false belief that when they marry, their spouse will now do everything in his/her power to make them feel loved and the center of their universe. They may start out that way, but after the "honeymoon" period is over" most people wonder, what in the world did they get themselves into.  We bring into marriage set characteristics that most of us will not lose nor change for several reasons. These characteristics, likes, habits, traits or set in stone way of doing things are called "Perpetual Problems." John M. Gottman, Ph.D. wrote in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" "69% of marital problems are perpetual ones." (pg. 138)
          Because marriage is not only lifelong but eternal, it is important to "be able to customize your coping strategies..." (pg 137) Anger is not a coping strategy that solves anything and the marriage will usually not last long if it is. Do you remember your mother telling you " You can't change anyone?" Well, mothers are usually right because they have lived through it. A great example of this Perpetual Problem for me is my husband's dislike for the sun visor in the car. He hates it when I use it for the side window. He has said it over and over and I just ignored it and thought, "I should be able to use it if the sun is boring a hole in my head." A yelling match ensued, and I started thinking, "I could probably go without it to save his and my sanity." Weeks before this class I would have fought much longer over it, but the thought of helping him cope with his irks just seemed right. This is a "Perpetual Problem" that I can cope with, without anger.

🌞

It doesn't matter who is first!

                                                                         




       This week's lesson on pride really hit home for me. I had a friend a long time ago that asked me "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" This was pertaining to a conversation we were having about our husbands never saying, "I'm sorry," or refusing to apologize when they knew they were in the wrong.  I was feeling like a proverbial doormat so to speak and was complaining. Why am I always the one who has to go first? Why does he think he is always right?

        When I think of this topic it reminds me of a common comedy sketch done by Abbot and Costello about who's on first (base). It deals with a baseball game that they are trying to explain to each other and neither one can convey their communication correctly. It is on you-tube if you want to check it out. It's excellent and an example of miscommunication. I recently reread a talk given by President Ezra Taft Bensen given in 1989. He makes a remark that is enlightening and timely. "The proud stand more in fear of men's judgment than God's judgment."(quoting D&C 3:6-7and D&C 30:1-2) He gives examples of how a person might do this, but I restate the questions I previously asked my friend. This was a lightning bolt moment for me.
        It occurred to me, why not go first, in fact, how about always being first. I want to be happy and I want to be more Christlike. I can apologize by not taking the blame by stating " I'm sorry you forgot or I'm sorry that had to happen to you." I can show not to be at fault or show contempt along with having a repairing attitude. John M. Gottman, Ph.D.  teaches how to validate your spouse's emotions. "Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. "That would have me worried too" or "I can see why you would be annoyed at that." (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Pg. 100) I would add, "that happens to me all the time, can I help."  So, in these circumstances when I feel offended, I can be a helper instead and remember; it's just fine if I'm always first.

 
 

Are you really pulling more weight?

       

                                 Draft Horse Pulling contest                                                            

       This weekend my husband and I attended the Livestock Fair here in Cedar City, Utah.

One of the contests at the fair was the Draft Pull. In this contest, both draft horses must work together to pull an enormous amount of weight for a complete circuit around the arena. The fastest team wins. Before the race started an announcer had us ask questions and we learned a little about the horses, their owners and the disposition about the horses and what makes a great team.

       It was interesting when I heard that most of the time the inside horse is the hardest working and typically the same horse. Most of the time the "inside horse" has been trained to know when to hold back so the outside horse can make larger steps. These pivots or smaller steps ensure the horses work as a team and the heavy load can be pulled in unison. In reading this week about the "bids" for affection that we and our spouses make to each other made me think of these draft horses. 

       John M. Gottman writes in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", "It only takes a small gesture to led to another and then another. "Turning toward" operates under a law of positive feedback.." (pg.89) As I turn toward my husband during his "bids" for affection I start a chain reaction. Gottman uses the snowball effect to explain this process and as I concentrated on doing it I was amazed at how easy it was. Believe me, most of the time I was screaming in my head of what I wanted to do, but I kept with the process and was surprised how my husband would "turn to me" almost immediately. 

       We have to travel large distances because of my husbands work at times and the music or audiobooks are his decision, no questions asked. This week as we pulled out of the drive-way I made a comment about the choice and he switched it to my liking almost immediately. I was completely stunned. The drive was completely harmonious. On the eternal side of "turning toward" my husband, I was reminded by President Ezra Taft Benson "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard; Pg. 57) I love the concept of "dropping out of our lives." Does this mean that I no longer care about the petty things that used to concern me or does my spouse pay attention more to not doing the petty things? Either way, we will be pulling in the same direction.

To Be-together you have to Get Together

                                         

                                                  An airboat ride in Georgia                                                     

         While our children were all home we always tried to get together for date nights and have vacationed together with just the two of us. As the children all left home and I went back to school I  started exploring what my interests were and figuring out my own autonomy. I am still a wife and mother, but I wanted "me" time and to develop my interests and talents. I came to love hiking and the outdoors which I think I always had, I just didn't have the "me" time to devote any time to it.
         My husband was fine with it at first because it only involved leaving for the day and I returned at night, however as my passion increased I started doing overnights and adding to my "where to hike next list." I joined two hiking groups and every weekend was devoted to that adventure. After a year or two, it became apparent that my husband and I started becoming more distant and he wasn't as excited anymore when I returned and had my detailed report of my outing. At first, I was annoyed and wanted him to join too, but hiking was out of the question for him, his passion is painting.
          In my previous blog, I posted a picture of painted toenails and related his talents of oils, acrylics, landscapes and painting techniques. I have discovered that if I take lots of pictures while I hike he finds one that interests him, and he paints it. Now we share a common interest that brings us together. He will accompany me to some short hikes and we eat out when I come down the mountain or walk together through the local nature center. Even if I don't hike but want to get out we will take a drive and explore including looking at interesting areas that he might like to paint. We take pictures and he will choose one to paint from our outing. I have an eternal perspective of us being together for not only time but for eternity. If that is the case, then I must make sure we "get together so we can be together."
          Tim used to go to doctor appointments by himself because I found them quite boring and I would rather do something else, however, I find that when I will go with him and we have good talking sessions it shows I am turning to him. Some may see these times as me sacrificing my time, but actually, it is purchasing our eternal life together. In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, he makes a powerful statement. "So it turns out that our sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases. We "sacrifice" our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain! In Heaven's economy, so much is gotten for so little!" (Pg.41-42)
         

     
     

Everyone fights!

 

     This week in class I am learning about how couples can communicate positively and how to resolve conflicts without damaging my relationship with my spouse. I have heard about the "Active listener" concept and always thought it was onesided and didn't help both involved. In reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman I was pleasantly surprised to read: "Even happily married couples can have screaming matches-loud arguments don't necessarily harm a marriage." (pg. 14)
     Believe me, being married for 40 years (this December) we have had many screaming matches. As we have moved along our married course, I have come to realize that it is up to me to manage my personal emotions and react calmly even if I feel "flooded." (pg. 40) This term is defined in the book as relating to a time when your/my spouse has reacted so harshly and instantly that someone/me can't register what is going on. He compares it to "shock." For the first several years: oh! come on who am I kidding? For the first 25 years, I would react in kind, yelling right back and making the contention much worse. It wasn't until I started counting to ten (it really does work) that I could manage replying in a calm comeback to restart the conversation.
    The book points out how "attunement" (pg.24) can help me understand what he is feeling and how his gender actually activates him in responding. The hormone and adrenaline explanations are excellent in my opinion. He/we were in the military (Tank Commander) for 20 years so the adrenaline concept makes perfect sense. In this modern world of "Individualism," stepping back and thinking about someone else is completely opposite to what the "me" attitude seems to be these days. "Why are you hurting my feelings"? and "who do you think you are"? is common and doesn't help the situation one bit.
     Living the "Gospel of Jesus Christ" and trying to see things from His viewpoint helps me and my spouse immensely since I have started the calming response technique in talking through explosive situations. In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. he states "If we follow Jesus' lead we will neither use malicious questions nor respond to them in kind. Instead, we will invite our partner to join us in solving a problem." (pg. 19) The question in my mind "What would Jesus do"? really does work.

Covenant Vs. Contract Marriage..

Covenant Vs. Contract Marriage.

   

     Being a Christian and living the law of marriage is an eternal law to me and many other Christians. It has been said that "these are the last days" and they may be, but either way, I will choose how to live the law of marriage. Being self-reliant in marriage means depending on your self, spouse and the Lord to help guide your actions and each other in being a cohesive force for good. Watching and listening to social forces that make you think negatively about your marriage or your values is wasted time. News media, talk show hosts or a led astray populous will not live my life for me. I and my spouse will live the consequences of our actions. My Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ are my judge and jury that really matter, not the temporary ideology of getting a divorce will fix everything.
      In doing my Genpro diagram I was flabbergasted over those of my relatives that divorced. They were primarily couples who had gone through the temple and made covenants. I have never been given the exact details why my own parents divorced and frankly, many lies were told while I was growing up. I only know that my husband and I look to the Lord in "all thy doings" Alma 47:47. When we look to others and the world views of what we "should do" to stop conflict I think we/I will miss out on the most important part of marriage which is to see my spouse as Jesus Christ sees him. Only then do I grow closer to my spouse. The kids are gone and our time is our own (mostly), so I want to make sure I cultivate an environment where we want to be together. Looking to the eternities helps me to ignore many petty grievances that others may find offensive. The populous or the world has no part of what I decide to do "when the going gets tough."
     Having a "contract" marriage is a law of the land and ends when we pass on from this life. A "covenant" marriage will last through the eternities. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, our goal is to be "sealed" for time and all eternities in one of our holy temples. Through this covenant with God, we promise that He and His Son; Jesus Christ are our only judges on how we lived our lives. This temporary world is filled with satan's influences and if I stay close to the spirit, I can and will navigate this temporary environment. Divorce may be necessary in many cases, but I feel it is used to easily and is short-sighted. When we covenant with God, we/I have a higher purpose and goal than the main populous may realize. I will listen to my prophet and pray for revelation before I lean to this temporary mortal reasoning of others. Those whom I know who have gone through a divorce but have maintained a strong connection to the gospel truly understand what a covenant is. The covenant is not just between two married people, but a promise to God to live His higher law. They will receive His promised blessings whether single or married.
     Elder Bruce C. Hafen councils us about 'wolves at the door," one of these wolves is one of "individualism," meaning, selfishness. " He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. ( Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26) An Apostle of the Lord, Elder Bednar enlightens us "A correct understanding of the plan also strengthens our resolve to steadfastly honor the covenant of eternal marriage. Our individual learning, our teaching, and our testifying in both the home and at church will be magnified as we ponder and more fully understand this truth." (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng)
     This Plan that is spoken of is "The Plan of Happiness" that we/I try my best to live by. The Plan of Happiness was taught to us in the pre-mortal world and will help me to return to my Heavenly Father, Savior; Jesus Christ and my loved ones who have passed on before me. We will live in families, so I plan to live this law here and now to be ready to live it in the future.

Married to a painter.

Moving into our new home has been fun, especially doing it together. As we painted the living room 
and I was about to clean up, I looked down and noticed this ⤸⤸ My husband: The Painter 💗

I realize my feet are not attractive, but that isn't the point. Making marriage fun and not sweating the small stuff is. Working together and seeing the positive in your spouse is paramount to making it through this life and the next. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe marriage, as long as it is "sealed" in the holy temple, last for the eternities. Some may not want that kind of commitment, but I do. 

The world has a slanted view of marriage and it's importance. I try to see my Heavenly Father's view and know He wants me to be Eternally happy. Some of us, at least myself and husband know that will only happen if we are together. I am doing the best I can in my efforts to let my husband know he is important, vital, and necessary for our Eternal progression. My painted toenails will have to wear off because I will not be washing them off 💚

President Dallin H. Oaks, the 2nd Counselor in the General Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints states: "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."

President James E. Faust, 1st Counselor in the General Presidency states: " In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant. The family relationship of father, mother, and child is the oldest and most enduring institution in the world. It has survived vast differences of geography and culture. This is because marriage between man and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, to have eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make.

This week in class we learned and discussed the trend not only of divorce but of living together before and instead of marriage. My mother and sister both divorced. While I personally don't know the reasons for my parents, it was a huge upheaval in my life and for my sister and her children. My sister's case had to do with pornography and him moving further away from the church which only bad his horrible habit worse. I truly know for sure that as my husband and I moved closer to the gospel, and I was patient and prayerful, we became closer. He grew in the gospel and today people would not know we were the same couple of 40 yrs. ago.