The Family Christmas Tree

                              The Family Christmas Tree

                          

                                Tinsel                                                           No Tinsel




I titled this blog, The Family Christmas Tree because that was the first and biggest hurdle, we had to handle during our first year of marriage. Harper and Olsen comment about how "marrying into a family with different values can be a challenge." Boy, oh boy, they are not kidding! My husband grew up with a huge tree, tinsel to cover the whole tree in which you couldn't even recognize the ornaments and so many presents, one would think everyone in the town was getting one.

 I, on the other hand, grew up with a smaller tree which was sometimes flocked a different color because I had an amazing fun grandmother. We always gathered at her house Christmas Eve and several days a week. We opened all family presents Christmas Eve while enjoying homemade candies, pies and listening to Andy Williams Christmas music. My husband's family opened one present on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning was digging through a pile of wrapping paper which included wrapped toothbrushes and underwear.

I shouldn't say our first Christmas because it was small, and I loved it. I gave him a razor and he gave me silverware. The ones that followed, however, were tense. He covered the tree with tinsel and I would remove it. He used garland and I would take it off and wrap it around a pole outside. You get the picture. For the past 30 years, our tree has had our children's homemade ornaments on it along with some that survived our moving around. We are less and less enthused about even putting it up. In fact, this year, it is outside by the front door covered with lovely white lights but without any ornaments. I will probably add some ornaments this week, and just a little tinsel. Merry Christmas Everyone!


* Harper, J. M. &Olsen, S.F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families."
              In C.H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton &D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Ch. 37.
*https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=images+of+garish+christmas+trees+covered+in+tinsel: Retrieved
             Dec. 09, 2018.
 *https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=image+of+nice+christmas+tree&fr=mcafee&imgurl=
              http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com: Retrieved Dec. 09, 2018

Out of the House! Make it a good thing.

Bye Bye, please come back for a visit.

I must admit, I was a control freak, but when it came time for my children to go, I was ready!

I taught them all about the gospel I could. We held Family Home Evenings, read the scriptures, had strict home hours and my husband and I went to all of their sports, music, and extracurriculars. We taught them to be responsible by having chores and getting jobs and held "video gaming" to a minimum.

About 10 years ago, I heard a new age had started where college kids were returning home, and "finding themselves." We asked our children what they thought would happen if they would have done it? Our two older children replied, "we would have had to find ourselves working at Del Taco." Del Taco is a fast food place close by in many neighborhoods in Southern California.

Reading this part of President Kimball's conference talk really helps me understand the "out on your own" concept. 


"Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers, and their chums. Sometimes, mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others… Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever, you cherish their counsel, you appreciate their association, but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it "(Spencer W. Kimball, March 1977 Ensign, pp. 4, 5)

When my husband and I raised our children, we thought it was an honor to us to be able to watch them make decisions on their own as they grew and progressed. When they had questions or doubts we would help them weigh the pros and cons, but we told them "you must choose." It has been so fun to observe.
I often think of my Heavenly parents and how they must have cried over several of my decisions, and at the same time cheered me on during my righteous ones.

I seriously don't know what the difference is today from 30 years ago, except, coming back home was not an option, and no one wanted to go back home in the first place. Being out on your own meant you were a grown-up, and it didn't matter if you ate mac and cheese and slept on the floor in a sleeping bag, you were on your own (married or not) and you (I) loved it!

Sex, Divine and Holy.

   

Family 300 Class

Sex: Divine and Holy.

     “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

- President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

       Being taught about, extramarital affairs, I have always thought, "Christ sees all that I do, so I need to be careful of what I do." That thought process was my main thinking, but as I have grown in the gospel and have attended and worked in the temple, I couldn't even consider such negative occurrences. I am being self-righteous thinking this way because anyone can be tempted and Satan knows my weaknesses better than I do. That is why my husband and myself never go anywhere where we would be alone with the opposite sex. That might irk the "feminists", but I certainly don't care. 

      President Kimball was The Prophet while I was in my teenage years along with my first several years of being married, and he taught the importance of being with your husband above anyone else. I personally know several women who have divorced who weekly got together for "ladies night" and other activities such as group "facebook" pages that teeter toward gossiping and negative influences. I'm not saying getting together is bad, but when your "away" more than home, "you're not watering your grass on your side of the fence." 

That is what this class has been about. How to water your own grass!

https://andthenwesaved.com/the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence/ 

Anger Management Part 2

                                                             

       "PRAY UNTO THE FATHER WITH ALL THE ENERGY OF HEART,
                      THAT YE MAY BE FILLED WITH THIS LOVE"
                                                     MORONI 7: 48

In this week's lesson, I learned much about "charity." I tend to think I give charity when I volunteer at my local food pantry or take a meal or give money to someone on the street corner. This week taught me a new perspective; to give charity by not showing "anger." I labeled this blog "Anger Management Part 2 because the last blog spoke about seeing through my spouse's perspective and helping him in his "irks." However, this blog concentrates on "Christs" love.

I love the dimensions of Jesus Christ's Charity that H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. speaks about.

"The phrase 'love of Christ' might have a meaning in three dimensions: Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ." 

If Jesus Christ can love me and others even when I/we sin on purpose, then I can love even when my spouse may make me angry. Wait a minute! Make me angry? haven't I learned I choose my response? That is what this class has been all about.

"Charity is the culminating gift of our spiritual seeking"(123)

In creating my own (new) story I want to incorporate these three dimensions:

1.Love for Christ: Because of Jesus Christ's Eternal Atonement I can only Love Him, therefore, I can choose to only see the good in my husband.

2. Love from Christ: Jesus Christ loves me with all my faults and prideful indignation: I can/do love my husband knowing he is trying hard to ignore my imperfections like I'm trying to ignore his. In fact, becoming blind to them.

3. Love like Christ: Jesus Christ loves unconditionally knowing my faults but seeing me as A Child of God while I am struggling and stumbling to be His disciple. Jesus Christ not only constantly forgives me, but constantly sees me as He Atoned for me.

 I can love my husband seeing him as Christ sees him.

* H. Wallace Goddard Ph.D. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Utah: Joymap (2009), 116.

*  H. Wallace Goddard Ph.D. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Utah: Joymap (2009), 123.

Anger management

       This week I not only learned about "Anger Management," but how I can choose not to have it at all. We have all heard "The devil made me do it," or it was his/her fault. Anger is a choice. Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints stipulates "A cunning part of his strategy (Satan"s) is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!
        When we marry, this is the most important relationship we will have, not only on this earth but in the Eternities. I think most people have a false belief that when they marry, their spouse will now do everything in his/her power to make them feel loved and the center of their universe. They may start out that way, but after the "honeymoon" period is over" most people wonder, what in the world did they get themselves into.  We bring into marriage set characteristics that most of us will not lose nor change for several reasons. These characteristics, likes, habits, traits or set in stone way of doing things are called "Perpetual Problems." John M. Gottman, Ph.D. wrote in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" "69% of marital problems are perpetual ones." (pg. 138)
          Because marriage is not only lifelong but eternal, it is important to "be able to customize your coping strategies..." (pg 137) Anger is not a coping strategy that solves anything and the marriage will usually not last long if it is. Do you remember your mother telling you " You can't change anyone?" Well, mothers are usually right because they have lived through it. A great example of this Perpetual Problem for me is my husband's dislike for the sun visor in the car. He hates it when I use it for the side window. He has said it over and over and I just ignored it and thought, "I should be able to use it if the sun is boring a hole in my head." A yelling match ensued, and I started thinking, "I could probably go without it to save his and my sanity." Weeks before this class I would have fought much longer over it, but the thought of helping him cope with his irks just seemed right. This is a "Perpetual Problem" that I can cope with, without anger.

🌞

It doesn't matter who is first!

                                                                         




       This week's lesson on pride really hit home for me. I had a friend a long time ago that asked me "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" This was pertaining to a conversation we were having about our husbands never saying, "I'm sorry," or refusing to apologize when they knew they were in the wrong.  I was feeling like a proverbial doormat so to speak and was complaining. Why am I always the one who has to go first? Why does he think he is always right?

        When I think of this topic it reminds me of a common comedy sketch done by Abbot and Costello about who's on first (base). It deals with a baseball game that they are trying to explain to each other and neither one can convey their communication correctly. It is on you-tube if you want to check it out. It's excellent and an example of miscommunication. I recently reread a talk given by President Ezra Taft Bensen given in 1989. He makes a remark that is enlightening and timely. "The proud stand more in fear of men's judgment than God's judgment."(quoting D&C 3:6-7and D&C 30:1-2) He gives examples of how a person might do this, but I restate the questions I previously asked my friend. This was a lightning bolt moment for me.
        It occurred to me, why not go first, in fact, how about always being first. I want to be happy and I want to be more Christlike. I can apologize by not taking the blame by stating " I'm sorry you forgot or I'm sorry that had to happen to you." I can show not to be at fault or show contempt along with having a repairing attitude. John M. Gottman, Ph.D.  teaches how to validate your spouse's emotions. "Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. "That would have me worried too" or "I can see why you would be annoyed at that." (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Pg. 100) I would add, "that happens to me all the time, can I help."  So, in these circumstances when I feel offended, I can be a helper instead and remember; it's just fine if I'm always first.

 
 

Are you really pulling more weight?

       

                                 Draft Horse Pulling contest                                                            

       This weekend my husband and I attended the Livestock Fair here in Cedar City, Utah.

One of the contests at the fair was the Draft Pull. In this contest, both draft horses must work together to pull an enormous amount of weight for a complete circuit around the arena. The fastest team wins. Before the race started an announcer had us ask questions and we learned a little about the horses, their owners and the disposition about the horses and what makes a great team.

       It was interesting when I heard that most of the time the inside horse is the hardest working and typically the same horse. Most of the time the "inside horse" has been trained to know when to hold back so the outside horse can make larger steps. These pivots or smaller steps ensure the horses work as a team and the heavy load can be pulled in unison. In reading this week about the "bids" for affection that we and our spouses make to each other made me think of these draft horses. 

       John M. Gottman writes in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", "It only takes a small gesture to led to another and then another. "Turning toward" operates under a law of positive feedback.." (pg.89) As I turn toward my husband during his "bids" for affection I start a chain reaction. Gottman uses the snowball effect to explain this process and as I concentrated on doing it I was amazed at how easy it was. Believe me, most of the time I was screaming in my head of what I wanted to do, but I kept with the process and was surprised how my husband would "turn to me" almost immediately. 

       We have to travel large distances because of my husbands work at times and the music or audiobooks are his decision, no questions asked. This week as we pulled out of the drive-way I made a comment about the choice and he switched it to my liking almost immediately. I was completely stunned. The drive was completely harmonious. On the eternal side of "turning toward" my husband, I was reminded by President Ezra Taft Benson "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard; Pg. 57) I love the concept of "dropping out of our lives." Does this mean that I no longer care about the petty things that used to concern me or does my spouse pay attention more to not doing the petty things? Either way, we will be pulling in the same direction.