Are you really pulling more weight?

       

                                 Draft Horse Pulling contest                                                            

       This weekend my husband and I attended the Livestock Fair here in Cedar City, Utah.

One of the contests at the fair was the Draft Pull. In this contest, both draft horses must work together to pull an enormous amount of weight for a complete circuit around the arena. The fastest team wins. Before the race started an announcer had us ask questions and we learned a little about the horses, their owners and the disposition about the horses and what makes a great team.

       It was interesting when I heard that most of the time the inside horse is the hardest working and typically the same horse. Most of the time the "inside horse" has been trained to know when to hold back so the outside horse can make larger steps. These pivots or smaller steps ensure the horses work as a team and the heavy load can be pulled in unison. In reading this week about the "bids" for affection that we and our spouses make to each other made me think of these draft horses. 

       John M. Gottman writes in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", "It only takes a small gesture to led to another and then another. "Turning toward" operates under a law of positive feedback.." (pg.89) As I turn toward my husband during his "bids" for affection I start a chain reaction. Gottman uses the snowball effect to explain this process and as I concentrated on doing it I was amazed at how easy it was. Believe me, most of the time I was screaming in my head of what I wanted to do, but I kept with the process and was surprised how my husband would "turn to me" almost immediately. 

       We have to travel large distances because of my husbands work at times and the music or audiobooks are his decision, no questions asked. This week as we pulled out of the drive-way I made a comment about the choice and he switched it to my liking almost immediately. I was completely stunned. The drive was completely harmonious. On the eternal side of "turning toward" my husband, I was reminded by President Ezra Taft Benson "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard; Pg. 57) I love the concept of "dropping out of our lives." Does this mean that I no longer care about the petty things that used to concern me or does my spouse pay attention more to not doing the petty things? Either way, we will be pulling in the same direction.

To Be-together you have to Get Together

                                         

                                                  An airboat ride in Georgia                                                     

         While our children were all home we always tried to get together for date nights and have vacationed together with just the two of us. As the children all left home and I went back to school I  started exploring what my interests were and figuring out my own autonomy. I am still a wife and mother, but I wanted "me" time and to develop my interests and talents. I came to love hiking and the outdoors which I think I always had, I just didn't have the "me" time to devote any time to it.
         My husband was fine with it at first because it only involved leaving for the day and I returned at night, however as my passion increased I started doing overnights and adding to my "where to hike next list." I joined two hiking groups and every weekend was devoted to that adventure. After a year or two, it became apparent that my husband and I started becoming more distant and he wasn't as excited anymore when I returned and had my detailed report of my outing. At first, I was annoyed and wanted him to join too, but hiking was out of the question for him, his passion is painting.
          In my previous blog, I posted a picture of painted toenails and related his talents of oils, acrylics, landscapes and painting techniques. I have discovered that if I take lots of pictures while I hike he finds one that interests him, and he paints it. Now we share a common interest that brings us together. He will accompany me to some short hikes and we eat out when I come down the mountain or walk together through the local nature center. Even if I don't hike but want to get out we will take a drive and explore including looking at interesting areas that he might like to paint. We take pictures and he will choose one to paint from our outing. I have an eternal perspective of us being together for not only time but for eternity. If that is the case, then I must make sure we "get together so we can be together."
          Tim used to go to doctor appointments by himself because I found them quite boring and I would rather do something else, however, I find that when I will go with him and we have good talking sessions it shows I am turning to him. Some may see these times as me sacrificing my time, but actually, it is purchasing our eternal life together. In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, he makes a powerful statement. "So it turns out that our sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases. We "sacrifice" our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain! In Heaven's economy, so much is gotten for so little!" (Pg.41-42)
         

     
     

Everyone fights!

 

     This week in class I am learning about how couples can communicate positively and how to resolve conflicts without damaging my relationship with my spouse. I have heard about the "Active listener" concept and always thought it was onesided and didn't help both involved. In reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman I was pleasantly surprised to read: "Even happily married couples can have screaming matches-loud arguments don't necessarily harm a marriage." (pg. 14)
     Believe me, being married for 40 years (this December) we have had many screaming matches. As we have moved along our married course, I have come to realize that it is up to me to manage my personal emotions and react calmly even if I feel "flooded." (pg. 40) This term is defined in the book as relating to a time when your/my spouse has reacted so harshly and instantly that someone/me can't register what is going on. He compares it to "shock." For the first several years: oh! come on who am I kidding? For the first 25 years, I would react in kind, yelling right back and making the contention much worse. It wasn't until I started counting to ten (it really does work) that I could manage replying in a calm comeback to restart the conversation.
    The book points out how "attunement" (pg.24) can help me understand what he is feeling and how his gender actually activates him in responding. The hormone and adrenaline explanations are excellent in my opinion. He/we were in the military (Tank Commander) for 20 years so the adrenaline concept makes perfect sense. In this modern world of "Individualism," stepping back and thinking about someone else is completely opposite to what the "me" attitude seems to be these days. "Why are you hurting my feelings"? and "who do you think you are"? is common and doesn't help the situation one bit.
     Living the "Gospel of Jesus Christ" and trying to see things from His viewpoint helps me and my spouse immensely since I have started the calming response technique in talking through explosive situations. In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. he states "If we follow Jesus' lead we will neither use malicious questions nor respond to them in kind. Instead, we will invite our partner to join us in solving a problem." (pg. 19) The question in my mind "What would Jesus do"? really does work.

Covenant Vs. Contract Marriage..

Covenant Vs. Contract Marriage.

   

     Being a Christian and living the law of marriage is an eternal law to me and many other Christians. It has been said that "these are the last days" and they may be, but either way, I will choose how to live the law of marriage. Being self-reliant in marriage means depending on your self, spouse and the Lord to help guide your actions and each other in being a cohesive force for good. Watching and listening to social forces that make you think negatively about your marriage or your values is wasted time. News media, talk show hosts or a led astray populous will not live my life for me. I and my spouse will live the consequences of our actions. My Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ are my judge and jury that really matter, not the temporary ideology of getting a divorce will fix everything.
      In doing my Genpro diagram I was flabbergasted over those of my relatives that divorced. They were primarily couples who had gone through the temple and made covenants. I have never been given the exact details why my own parents divorced and frankly, many lies were told while I was growing up. I only know that my husband and I look to the Lord in "all thy doings" Alma 47:47. When we look to others and the world views of what we "should do" to stop conflict I think we/I will miss out on the most important part of marriage which is to see my spouse as Jesus Christ sees him. Only then do I grow closer to my spouse. The kids are gone and our time is our own (mostly), so I want to make sure I cultivate an environment where we want to be together. Looking to the eternities helps me to ignore many petty grievances that others may find offensive. The populous or the world has no part of what I decide to do "when the going gets tough."
     Having a "contract" marriage is a law of the land and ends when we pass on from this life. A "covenant" marriage will last through the eternities. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, our goal is to be "sealed" for time and all eternities in one of our holy temples. Through this covenant with God, we promise that He and His Son; Jesus Christ are our only judges on how we lived our lives. This temporary world is filled with satan's influences and if I stay close to the spirit, I can and will navigate this temporary environment. Divorce may be necessary in many cases, but I feel it is used to easily and is short-sighted. When we covenant with God, we/I have a higher purpose and goal than the main populous may realize. I will listen to my prophet and pray for revelation before I lean to this temporary mortal reasoning of others. Those whom I know who have gone through a divorce but have maintained a strong connection to the gospel truly understand what a covenant is. The covenant is not just between two married people, but a promise to God to live His higher law. They will receive His promised blessings whether single or married.
     Elder Bruce C. Hafen councils us about 'wolves at the door," one of these wolves is one of "individualism," meaning, selfishness. " He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. ( Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26) An Apostle of the Lord, Elder Bednar enlightens us "A correct understanding of the plan also strengthens our resolve to steadfastly honor the covenant of eternal marriage. Our individual learning, our teaching, and our testifying in both the home and at church will be magnified as we ponder and more fully understand this truth." (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng)
     This Plan that is spoken of is "The Plan of Happiness" that we/I try my best to live by. The Plan of Happiness was taught to us in the pre-mortal world and will help me to return to my Heavenly Father, Savior; Jesus Christ and my loved ones who have passed on before me. We will live in families, so I plan to live this law here and now to be ready to live it in the future.