Anger management

       This week I not only learned about "Anger Management," but how I can choose not to have it at all. We have all heard "The devil made me do it," or it was his/her fault. Anger is a choice. Elder Lynn G. Robbins, a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints stipulates "A cunning part of his strategy (Satan"s) is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!
        When we marry, this is the most important relationship we will have, not only on this earth but in the Eternities. I think most people have a false belief that when they marry, their spouse will now do everything in his/her power to make them feel loved and the center of their universe. They may start out that way, but after the "honeymoon" period is over" most people wonder, what in the world did they get themselves into.  We bring into marriage set characteristics that most of us will not lose nor change for several reasons. These characteristics, likes, habits, traits or set in stone way of doing things are called "Perpetual Problems." John M. Gottman, Ph.D. wrote in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" "69% of marital problems are perpetual ones." (pg. 138)
          Because marriage is not only lifelong but eternal, it is important to "be able to customize your coping strategies..." (pg 137) Anger is not a coping strategy that solves anything and the marriage will usually not last long if it is. Do you remember your mother telling you " You can't change anyone?" Well, mothers are usually right because they have lived through it. A great example of this Perpetual Problem for me is my husband's dislike for the sun visor in the car. He hates it when I use it for the side window. He has said it over and over and I just ignored it and thought, "I should be able to use it if the sun is boring a hole in my head." A yelling match ensued, and I started thinking, "I could probably go without it to save his and my sanity." Weeks before this class I would have fought much longer over it, but the thought of helping him cope with his irks just seemed right. This is a "Perpetual Problem" that I can cope with, without anger.

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