Everyone fights!

 

     This week in class I am learning about how couples can communicate positively and how to resolve conflicts without damaging my relationship with my spouse. I have heard about the "Active listener" concept and always thought it was onesided and didn't help both involved. In reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman I was pleasantly surprised to read: "Even happily married couples can have screaming matches-loud arguments don't necessarily harm a marriage." (pg. 14)
     Believe me, being married for 40 years (this December) we have had many screaming matches. As we have moved along our married course, I have come to realize that it is up to me to manage my personal emotions and react calmly even if I feel "flooded." (pg. 40) This term is defined in the book as relating to a time when your/my spouse has reacted so harshly and instantly that someone/me can't register what is going on. He compares it to "shock." For the first several years: oh! come on who am I kidding? For the first 25 years, I would react in kind, yelling right back and making the contention much worse. It wasn't until I started counting to ten (it really does work) that I could manage replying in a calm comeback to restart the conversation.
    The book points out how "attunement" (pg.24) can help me understand what he is feeling and how his gender actually activates him in responding. The hormone and adrenaline explanations are excellent in my opinion. He/we were in the military (Tank Commander) for 20 years so the adrenaline concept makes perfect sense. In this modern world of "Individualism," stepping back and thinking about someone else is completely opposite to what the "me" attitude seems to be these days. "Why are you hurting my feelings"? and "who do you think you are"? is common and doesn't help the situation one bit.
     Living the "Gospel of Jesus Christ" and trying to see things from His viewpoint helps me and my spouse immensely since I have started the calming response technique in talking through explosive situations. In the book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. he states "If we follow Jesus' lead we will neither use malicious questions nor respond to them in kind. Instead, we will invite our partner to join us in solving a problem." (pg. 19) The question in my mind "What would Jesus do"? really does work.